can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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