my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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