Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
