She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
