dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
