Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Randomize