sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
