I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
This is the high leading the old right now
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
