I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
