You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
