just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
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