theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
