I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
