took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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