I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize
