i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
