If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
