Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
