I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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