my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
