Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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