Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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