I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
