everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
