The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
