For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
