Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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