Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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