woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
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