Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
