ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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