i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
