You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
