life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
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