I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
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