last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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