Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
