Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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