Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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