and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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