You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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