I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
