i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
