I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize