I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
