Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
