I hate your face
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
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