so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
