i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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