we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize