meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
