I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
