Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
