I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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