I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
