my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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