Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
