guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Just invented taco cereal.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
