Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
