i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
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