I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Randomize
